I wanted to commit to sharing everyday, this is a really tough day. Here goes anyway.
I am sad, more heartbroken and despondent. My love is tested everyday lately. Today I feel like I won't make it. When John looks at me he seems to look right through me. I miss the way he used to look at me. It is hard to describe, just that when he looked at me I knew without a doubt that he loved me, and I could see everything he thought or felt without him saying a word. Now all kinds of doubts are creeping in.
I read some really encouraging comments on my facebook page regarding my blog posts. So I have thought I will really try to lay it all out there. I know how many people are dealing with this and it takes so much strength, If you are reading this and can relate know that the more you talk about it the lighter the load becomes.
I don't think I could ever really get across to people the love John and I have for one another. It has only grown stronger over the past 22 years. We are so connected, or were connected. I feel like a bond is breaking, like there is a death in the family. I find my heart aching so much every day now, and I cry nearly every day. I hear John speaking the words that every girl would love to hear. It is just that so much is missing. Our sex life started to diminish around 4 years ago. Gradually it just became less and less. We went from a minimum of 5 days a week, to once a week, then once a month and over the last 2 years it is maybe once every few months. I of course have drawn every conclusion imaginable.
I thought there was possibly someone else at first and I went crazy trying to find anything and asked all kinds of questions. The fact is he works and comes home, there is nothing unaccounted for in his life, I see every bit of his days are accounted for. He does not have strange phone numbers or texts on his phone. There are no e-mails. That part of the investigation has convinced me, at least that he is not cheating on me. Of course anyone in this position would think what I have also been thinking. It must be me. Maybe I am not attractive to him anymore. This is really a bad place to go. It leads to all kinds of negative thinking and negative behaviors. I think about all the bad things about myself where I can change and improve. But John has never, ever had a bad thing to say about my appearance, in fact until he came home from deployment, he told me on a daily basis how beautiful I was. No matter how bad I looked (and trust me he has seen me looking horrible), he would still say I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. I should say the every bit of my self esteem is because of my husband. I can honestly say he would not change a thing about my appearance.
There is the other place that negative thinking leads you. I want attention. I feel the need lately to get attention. I want other men to look at me. You know when someone looks at you in such a way that you know you are attractive to someone at least. The other part of that is touch. I am missing that physical contact so much. I used to be exasperated by John when he could not keep his hands off of me. I still have this reflex of putting my arms up in front of my chest when he comes toward me, because when at home the first place his hands would go when he walked up to me, were my breasts. He was out of control. Now I miss it greatly. He does not want physical contact with anyone. Not even hugging. I have done all kinds of things to try, and when I get shot down my self esteem plummets. I sometimes feel like I am a pervert or something. I am at my sexual peak and John is at his lowest of lows. I have had fleeting thoughts about just having random hookups, they are very fleeting thoughts. I would not ever want to cause John any heartbreak, I just need to know how to cope with my own heartbreak.
Recently John's doctor tested his testosterone and it was very low. I know that is part of the problem. Now he has been having testosterone injections once a month for the past 3 months. I have hope for change, but I am not letting my hopes get to high.
I will continue to be supportive. I don't have any sort of deadline for him. I know that things happen in time and in their own way. I can't help my anger sometimes. And more and more lately he is attacking me when I try to share my feelings. He has a creative way of turning everything right back on me when we argue. I am working really hard to just not argue anymore. I have been doing better at confronting issues before I explode instead of waiting for the explosion. That helps allot.
Let me just say that this blog is helping allot. The positive comments are keeping moving forward. I will continue to share and hope that someone else can benefit.
I am a person who does not like anyone to know about my personal life at all. I have been an expert at putting on a happy face to everyone I know. I am irritated by self pity. I am uncomfortable with others being sympathetic or empathetic toward me. Ironically my husband always says I am overly empathetic with others. I spend a great deal of time feeling the plight of others. I can get overly obsessed when I see injustice happen to someone else. John has always told me I deserve to have others feel for me. I am really trying now to be open, because I need it more than ever.
To all who are suffering in any way. Hang in there. Ask for help. There are people who care.
Till tomorrow, thank you, and take care all.
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