Saturday, January 12, 2013

Religion is destroying society...

  I realize this is a strong statement, but undeniably true,  and has been  that way since  people started to believe in a higher  power of  any kind.
     This is a day that I needed to get out a good rant. Today is sept. 13, just a couple of days after such an horrific anniversary, that I believe all United States citizens would like to forget. Sadly that is not possible, so we remember with sadness all the lives that were stolen by Muslim extremists, a.k.a. terrorists.
     While we all watched in shock, horror, confusion, sadness, and great fear. The muslim extremists and the not so extreme Muslims, around the world cheered. To see those cheers of  happiness and triumph, sickened me, puzzled me, astounded me. I just cannot explain all the emotions churning inside myself. I  know that most others felt the same. I am the kind of person that believes  no death should be celebrated, not matter who it is. Death should always be a solemn occasion. It should make us all consider our mortality and just how short, and fragile, life really is.
     On that very sad anniversary of the worst terror attack in history, 4 people including the Ambassador to Libya were killed by Muslim extremists. There  is some debate about what organization it was or was it just mob justice. Semantics aside, they are all Muslim extremists. There is a story out immediately that it was because of a movie, that not a soul knows about or can find. But is not the point clear no matter what the reason.
     What really hurt, angered and confused me, was the response from our leaders. I wanted to hear strong words to the people who think that murder is an acceptable way to deal with the feelings they have about the way someone is portraying their religion or their prophet. Instead what I heard  was excuses and apologies. There was some half hearted effort to say that in this country there is freedom of speech. The President of Egypt told  our President, the President of the FREE world, that he should do a better job of making sure people in this country don't upset the muslims of the world. And Hillary Clinton came out to make a statement  and said that what a horrible, sick, movie that someone would make. WHAT???? I really thought that sentence would end with,  "act of violence against innocent citizens of the U.S.A."

Thursday, February 24, 2011

deepfeelingsrandomthoughts: Wisconsin protests

deepfeelingsrandomthoughts: Wisconsin protests: "It is a sign of the times when we see our elected officials refuse to do the job that they were elected and paid to do. I have been watching..."

Wisconsin protests

It is a sign of the times when we see our elected officials refuse to do the job that they were elected and paid to do. I have been watching the news, more frequently lately and I am scared for my children's future when I see everything that is going on.
Several cities across America are making very difficult decisions. There are talks of terminating the employment of teachers, of fire fighters, police officers, and many more public positions.  In my state of Mt. our governor was just on the National news speaking about the cuts in our state. The programs affect our children directly. How can we all sit back and watch this. Instead everyone has planted their feet to the ground and said this is the team I am backing, and I will support whatever they say or do no matter what. Well I am concerned for our future. After learning more about politics and parties, I have definitely decided the closest label I would give my self would be libertarian. I do believe that government has grown to large to powerful, and intrusive. There is also the problem of who is really making the decisions that affect our country. Pharmaceutical companies, Unions, etc.. Because we know that they buy our politicians. So when you think about Obama care, and these massive teacher, and city worker protests, it becomes clear who is behind these decisions. You always hear the term follow the money, and when you do, it is alarming.
I grew up learning about the benefits of unions. I understood the need for them. They protected employees from discrimination, unfair pay, unequal benefits, and general mistreatment. Over the years the government listened to the public and understood the sort of problems plaguing our workforce, and several laws were enacted to protect and offer fair opportunities to employees. This should negate the need for unions. But of course unions have convinced employees that they are indispensable. They can bargain to make sure you get paid more, that your benefits are better, and that you will not be fired no matter how bad you perform in your job. Well they have done their job. Now these union members make more money and have better benefits than their private sector counterparts. And we see that in many cases substandard work is accepted because there is no choice available to have competition for a job such as an educator because they cannot be terminated. We need competition in this country. Competition brings forth the best performance a person has to offer.
I want my children's educators to be the best. I want my city workers to be the best of the best. We deserve that for our friends, neighbors, our children, and ourselves. We should demand it. Thanks to unions in many cases we have no choice at all.
Fortunately we have the choice to elect the politicians we want to represent us. Now we can make the decisions that we think are fair. That represent how we want our nation to be run. Oh wait a minute. No we don't! Now those officials we elect that are bought and owned by big business, can run away, leave the state so they cannot be compelled to do their job. Our founding fathers would be appalled, and if they can see what is happening to the government they created, they would be rolling over in their graves. They certainly would not want to take credit for any of this. These democrats in WI. are setting a precedent that I am sure they do not want to see followed if they should have the majority in office. I would like to say that they are elitist, entitled, immature, children, whom are committing fraud. Oops I just did. That is just my opinion. I am just an under educated, stay at home mom, who is fighting to live pay check to pay check. And that does not happen often. I have to get help from people when we run out of food between paychecks, when our electric bill is too high over the winter, or when their is a surprise car or home repair. Right now we have no health care and have had to take our daughter to the emergency room twice in one month, and then follow up doctors appointments. Enough about me or my family. I know that the majority of the country is in the same boat or worse.
My husband served his country and is an injured combat veteran. We have endured allot without complaint and we are now having serious issues with his benefits and pay. I am scared out of my mind about the future. So you can imagine that I have little sympathy for these union protected employees who make more money, and have better benefits than the average worker. The fact that they can take time off even if it is leave without pay to fight for what they want, not need, is amazing. My husband was written up at work for taking time off for his back injury because he did not have enough vacation or sick time to cover it, no tenure benefits here. He has been at his current job for 11 years.  I am always thanking God that I have a roof over my family's head that we have heat and are able to feed our children. I am as proud as I can be that my husband has held down a job all our married lives, so he could take care of his family, even though he cannot stand his job that he has been at for 11 years.
I am not a religious person, I am not a political activist, and I have a 10th grade education. What I can say about myself is that I have common sense, I have educated myself simply by paying attention to the world around me. I think about the past, the way this country was built, by people helping people. Teachers taught to make our country strong, firefighters fought fires to save their neighbors homes, and police helped protect their neighbors. The respect I have for these people is tremendous. And they are a just a part of what makes our country great. We as a country had so much respect and recognized the benefits of their service that we decided to pay them to do these wonderful jobs they do. And that we know is difficult in a day when many children are entitled and have no respect for authority. Thank you educators for doing that job.
I try to live my life by the Golden Rule. (do unto others as you would have others do unto you.)
I know it is rather simplistic but it works.
I am not opposed to gay marriage. I don't believe it is right for my gay friends to not have the same rights that I do. I am a believer in pro-choice. That is all an aspect of the golden rule. There is also the little separation between church and state. We all know that the only reason these laws are in place or debated is because it offends some peoples religious values. Therefore common sense dictates there should be no law governing who has the right to marry whom. And who should not be allowed to decide what to do with their bodies. These are based on religious ideas.
I have run off track. As I said in the beginning, it is a sign of the times. Speaking of these protests.
Look at the protesting going on in the middle east. They are simply demanding to have a little bit of freedom.
Imagine that just a little bit. And look at the people in America. We have forgotten where we come from and the lives that were laid down to afford them the privileges we have now.
Shame on you. I hope we can get our government back. Even those elected officials won't suffer any consequences. They still get paid to sit in their motel room and watch cable and order room service. While many people in their state suffer.
I  honestly believe if as a country we all decided to cut back, help others, be more vigilant when it comes to fraud, and abuses of the system, we can get our country back on track. Last night my husband went to the grocery store and got a few things. He was already in the car after walking through 30 below wind chill factor weather, when he looked at the receipt and saw his bananas were not rung up he went back in to fix the error. The greeter at the door said "are you serious? You're a better man than I.". Then he stood in line at the register where he checked out and when he got to the front the checker said "what? I can't believe you came all the way back, I would not get in trouble it happens all the time." The person behind him said that is so nice, they told my husband that just the other day someone dropped something and when he caught up to them to give it back the person was surprised. That is a shocking commentary on our countries citizens. I am a big karma person and my husband is very aware of that and it comes into his head when something like that happens so he does what I would do and what he would want others to do. I told him how great that was to go back and spend the couple of dollars that we rightfully owed. And told him that all those people that were so shocked he came back just might think about him if they are in a similar situation.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Not so sad all the time.

I have been feeling like such a different person lately. I don't know if it is something that people go through at different times in their lives or if it is a change we make happen in ourselves. I was always a person who put on a tough facade. I could not let anyone see even a little bit of vulnerability. I also think that this made me surround myself with negative thoughts, and even negative people.
Life is so precious and short. If you think about the size and age of the universe we are not even a blip on the history of the universe. It makes you think about life differently. I want to experience happiness while I am here. I have grown a strong sense of self that I have never had. I think that service is so important. To serve others is such a humbling and gratifying experience. I believe people become so self involved and they become workaholics and they have blinders on. I have been there. I now see that there is so much more to life. We really can change the energy around us. I have allot of challenges in my life right now, but I am sure that I will overcome all and feel secure again.
I watch the news all the time, and what I see lately is appalling. If the people in this world would put some effort into being more positive, I believe it would spread. Like smiling at a stranger in public. They smile back and tend to smile at others. The power we have to make positive change is tremendous. We are so powerful and sometimes it backfires. That powerful energy is put toward hate. So many negative words are put out there, either to embarrass, hurt, or anger others. We live in a time now that it is more important than ever to love, respect and empathize with others.
I see that children today have a different outlook on life. They are very self centered and believe they are entitled to everything. There is a lack of respect for others that is appalling. And the people who do care, don't seem to be able to spread that to their friends. I know what it is like to be young and to just go with the group, even though you know it is not right. I have had friends that are dark and depressing and think that the world revolves around them and their problems. We all sometimes feed that energy, not consciously, we just don't want to speak our minds and risk ridicule or just don't want the drama in our own lives.
I hope that everyone can find the strength to share what they feel and show it is o.k. to speak your mind. When you see others being hurt, teased, bullied, or depressed, take action in some way. You can make a difference. I have noticed since I have opened up that there are allot of people who care. And I believe that played a huge role in the change within me. Don't be afraid. Be strong.
All that said, I should say I am far from perfect, I can let my anger get the best of me. I let negative thoughts creep into my mind and into my heart. I can say that I am getting better at turning it around.
I have an amazing husband who at first thought I was sharing to much, that I should not air our "dirty laundry", so to speak. But he has come to see the positive change. How it affects me to be open. I don't have allot of girlfriends, in fact I have one friend and she has been my best friend for years. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. She lives far away from me now, so it is difficult for both of us. My husband is my number one friend and will always be. He understands that allot of the hurt I have been experiencing he is not able to help with, so he knows that writing this blog is good for me. I am beyond lucky that John is in my life. Because I know that he loves me unconditionally. That is usually something you only get from your parents or children. And because I never had that in my life at all until he came along, he is the most important dearest person in my heart right along side my children. One day my children will find the loves of their lives or not, but they will find their happiness as adults, if they are fortunate, and move on from their parents. When that happens I will still have John. And maybe one day I will have grandchildren to fill my heart even more. My husband and children saved my life. And I will share more about that life soon. I will be eternally grateful. No matter what John does for the rest of our lives I will love him throughout eternity. I have hope that we can get through the difficult times we are having. Who knows what the future holds. I know that I have the strength within myself to be happy no matter what. I just need to remember it when it is needed. I know that everyone has it. They just need to learn to use it more often then not.
Till the next time. Have a great day!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

New Emotions.

When I decided to do this, that is share through a blog, and make it available for anyone to see. I was very apprehensive. I have always been the type of person to hold everything inside. In fact I can honestly say that the first and only person I have been able to open up to completely and let them know the deepest parts of me, is my husband.
I believe what prompted this is my husband John. After all the best friend and confidant that I have always had, has changed. Not that our love has changed, just some little things that all add up to a realization that there is something wrong. I decided to start slow thinking that I can stop anytime I feel uncomfortable. I was surprised that I received such positive responses in such a short time. That strangers showed such compassion and empathy toward me. It is such a new feeling, and I realized it is because I never share my feelings at all. So how could I have ever experienced that if I had not shared.
It has been a few days since I have posted an entry on my blog. I have started to experience a new vulnerability that I never have experienced before. I was excited at first. I felt more at ease after posting a blog about my feelings like a load had been lifted. Then lately I have been scared. I am a very self analytical person. I can understand at an intellectual level what I am experiencing, but there is that other side that says just don't let your heart get hurt. That little voice that just says STOP! Just go about your business as usual.
I have these unfamiliar emotions, because I have never put myself out there. I have decided that I am strong and I can handle anything. I have always told myself and my children, when you feel a stressful decision or situation in life, first ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? And then after you determine what the worst outcome could be ask yourself, how would that affect the rest of my life and is it the end of the world?
Well almost always you come to the conclusion that it is not the end of the world. I know that my husband will always be there, should everyone else on the planet turn their back on me, he will always be there.
I know that what is happening with me is due to this new vulnerability, I find myself crying more often, and being much more sensitive to everything my family says now. I used to just fight, and now I find myself wanting to talk it all out, and to discover the underlying issues behind every argument. I know my husband has noticed because he seems more frustrated that I am not reacting the way I used to.
It is unbelievable what opening yourself up can lead to. I never dreamed I could be affected the way I am.
All of that said. I talked to my husband when I started this blog. He has read the entries so far, and I believe he has gained more insight into everything going on. The day of the last blog I wrote, when I talked about our sex life. He tried really hard that day to keep a happy face, and make me feel different. I could tell it was not natural and that he was trying really hard. And bottom line that is what matters. He does not have to be who he is not. But when I see his effort, it means the world to me. It shows me how much he does love me, because I know how difficult it can be for him to try that hard.
John expressed only one concern regarding my blog. And that was, he did not want me to make things up about him to embarrass him. My feelings were hurt when he said that. I don't know what would ever make him think I would do that on purpose. I think though what he was trying to say is that he is a little embarrassed that I am relating our experiences for anyone we know to see. I hope that he sees like I have that this can be a very positive experience. John and I both have always spoken about each other to other people only in the most positive glowing light. I think that it is hard for people who know us to believe that we could be so perfect. We just learned a long time ago that love is shown in many different ways and when you show other people the respect and love you have for your spouse it also shines a better light on yourself. And shows the true depth of the love you have. Now that is not to say that the people that have known us since we met have not seen us different than people do now. It took us a long time to realize that that is not what we want people to see. We don't want to be fake, we are the first to say that marriage is very difficult and takes allot of work. It is the selflessness that causes our relationship to thrive, even during the roughest times, like lately. That does not mean that we don't have those nagging doubts. I ask myself all the time, can I handle this? I believe that is normal considering the circumstances.
I want to direct these last words to my husband.
I love you more than anything in the world. I will always want nothing but your complete happiness. I will always do whatever is in my power to make you happy. I know that what is going on right now is not in your power to just stop. I know that if you could that it would be done just like that. I see that you love me, I am sorry that I ever give you a bad time about that. I can't help my insecurities right now. I am doing my best to overcome them. I want you to know that I deeply appreciate how much you try. I am so proud of the man you are. You have always been a great husband and father, and a great provider. You were always patient with me when I needed it most, during the first years of our lives together. You deserve so much in your life, and I will continue to support you, and love you, forever and ever. Love Kerry.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sexual Peak? Is there any such thing?

I wanted to commit to sharing everyday, this is a really tough day. Here goes anyway.
I am sad, more heartbroken and despondent. My love is tested everyday lately. Today I feel like I won't make it. When John looks at me he seems to look right through me. I miss the way he used to look at me. It is hard to describe, just that when he looked at me I knew without a doubt that he loved me, and I could see everything he thought or felt without him saying a word. Now all kinds of doubts are creeping in.
I read some really encouraging comments on my facebook page regarding my blog posts. So I have thought I will really try to lay it all out there. I know how many people are dealing with this and it takes so much strength, If you are reading this and can relate know that the more you talk about it the lighter the load becomes.
I don't think I could ever really get across to people the love John and I have for one another. It has only grown stronger over the past 22 years. We are so connected, or were connected. I feel like a bond is breaking, like there is a death in the family. I find my heart aching so much every day now, and I cry nearly every day. I hear John speaking the words that every girl would love to hear. It is just that so much is missing. Our sex life started to diminish around 4 years ago. Gradually it just became less and less. We went from a minimum of 5 days a week, to once a week, then once a month and over the last 2 years it is maybe once every few months. I of course have drawn every conclusion imaginable.
I thought there was possibly someone else at first and I went crazy trying to find anything and asked all kinds of questions. The fact is he works and comes home, there is nothing unaccounted for in his life, I see every bit of his days are accounted for. He does not have strange phone numbers or texts on his phone. There are no e-mails. That part of the investigation has convinced me, at least that he is not cheating on me. Of course anyone in this position would think what I have also been thinking. It must be me. Maybe I am not attractive to him anymore. This is really a bad place to go. It leads to all kinds of negative thinking and negative behaviors. I think about all the bad things about myself where I can change and improve. But John has never, ever had a bad thing to say about my appearance, in fact until he came home from deployment, he told me on a daily basis how beautiful I was. No matter how bad I looked (and trust me he has seen me looking horrible), he would still say I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. I should say the every bit of my self esteem is because of my husband. I can honestly say he would not change a thing about my appearance.
There is the other place that negative thinking leads you. I want attention. I feel the need lately to get attention. I want other men to look at me. You know when someone looks at you in such a way that you know you are attractive to someone at least. The other part of that is touch. I am missing that physical contact so much. I used to be exasperated by John when he could not keep his hands off of me. I still have this reflex of putting my arms up in front of my chest when he comes toward me, because when at home the first place his hands would go when he walked up to me, were my breasts. He was out of control. Now I miss it greatly. He does not want physical contact with anyone. Not even hugging. I have done all kinds of things to try, and when I get shot down my self esteem plummets. I sometimes feel like I am a pervert or something. I am at my sexual peak and John is at his lowest of lows. I have had fleeting thoughts about just having random hookups, they are very fleeting thoughts.  I would not ever want to cause John any heartbreak, I just need to know how to cope with my own heartbreak.
Recently John's doctor tested his testosterone and it was very low. I know that is part of the problem. Now he has been having testosterone injections once a month for the past 3 months. I have hope for change, but I am not letting my hopes get to high.
I will continue to be supportive. I don't have any sort of deadline for him. I know that things happen in time and in their own way. I can't help my anger sometimes. And more and more lately he is attacking me when I try to share my feelings. He has a creative way of turning everything right back on me when we argue. I am working really hard to just not argue anymore. I have been doing better at confronting issues before I explode instead of waiting for the explosion. That helps allot.
Let me just say that this blog is helping allot. The positive comments are keeping moving forward. I will continue to share and hope that someone else can benefit.
I am a person who does not like anyone to know about my personal life at all. I have been an expert at putting on a happy face to everyone I know. I am irritated by self pity. I am uncomfortable with others being sympathetic or empathetic toward me. Ironically my husband always says I am overly empathetic with others. I spend a great deal of time feeling the plight of others. I can get overly obsessed when I see injustice happen to someone else. John has always told me I deserve to have others feel for me. I am really trying now to be open, because I need it more than ever.
To all who are suffering in any way. Hang in there. Ask for help. There are people who care.
Till tomorrow, thank you, and take care all.