New Emotions.

When I decided to do this, that is share through a blog, and make it available for anyone to see. I was very apprehensive. I have always been the type of person to hold everything inside. In fact I can honestly say that the first and only person I have been able to open up to completely and let them know the deepest parts of me, is my husband.
I believe what prompted this is my husband John. After all the best friend and confidant that I have always had, has changed. Not that our love has changed, just some little things that all add up to a realization that there is something wrong. I decided to start slow thinking that I can stop anytime I feel uncomfortable. I was surprised that I received such positive responses in such a short time. That strangers showed such compassion and empathy toward me. It is such a new feeling, and I realized it is because I never share my feelings at all. So how could I have ever experienced that if I had not shared.
It has been a few days since I have posted an entry on my blog. I have started to experience a new vulnerability that I never have experienced before. I was excited at first. I felt more at ease after posting a blog about my feelings like a load had been lifted. Then lately I have been scared. I am a very self analytical person. I can understand at an intellectual level what I am experiencing, but there is that other side that says just don't let your heart get hurt. That little voice that just says STOP! Just go about your business as usual.
I have these unfamiliar emotions, because I have never put myself out there. I have decided that I am strong and I can handle anything. I have always told myself and my children, when you feel a stressful decision or situation in life, first ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? And then after you determine what the worst outcome could be ask yourself, how would that affect the rest of my life and is it the end of the world?
Well almost always you come to the conclusion that it is not the end of the world. I know that my husband will always be there, should everyone else on the planet turn their back on me, he will always be there.
I know that what is happening with me is due to this new vulnerability, I find myself crying more often, and being much more sensitive to everything my family says now. I used to just fight, and now I find myself wanting to talk it all out, and to discover the underlying issues behind every argument. I know my husband has noticed because he seems more frustrated that I am not reacting the way I used to.
It is unbelievable what opening yourself up can lead to. I never dreamed I could be affected the way I am.
All of that said. I talked to my husband when I started this blog. He has read the entries so far, and I believe he has gained more insight into everything going on. The day of the last blog I wrote, when I talked about our sex life. He tried really hard that day to keep a happy face, and make me feel different. I could tell it was not natural and that he was trying really hard. And bottom line that is what matters. He does not have to be who he is not. But when I see his effort, it means the world to me. It shows me how much he does love me, because I know how difficult it can be for him to try that hard.
John expressed only one concern regarding my blog. And that was, he did not want me to make things up about him to embarrass him. My feelings were hurt when he said that. I don't know what would ever make him think I would do that on purpose. I think though what he was trying to say is that he is a little embarrassed that I am relating our experiences for anyone we know to see. I hope that he sees like I have that this can be a very positive experience. John and I both have always spoken about each other to other people only in the most positive glowing light. I think that it is hard for people who know us to believe that we could be so perfect. We just learned a long time ago that love is shown in many different ways and when you show other people the respect and love you have for your spouse it also shines a better light on yourself. And shows the true depth of the love you have. Now that is not to say that the people that have known us since we met have not seen us different than people do now. It took us a long time to realize that that is not what we want people to see. We don't want to be fake, we are the first to say that marriage is very difficult and takes allot of work. It is the selflessness that causes our relationship to thrive, even during the roughest times, like lately. That does not mean that we don't have those nagging doubts. I ask myself all the time, can I handle this? I believe that is normal considering the circumstances.
I want to direct these last words to my husband.
I love you more than anything in the world. I will always want nothing but your complete happiness. I will always do whatever is in my power to make you happy. I know that what is going on right now is not in your power to just stop. I know that if you could that it would be done just like that. I see that you love me, I am sorry that I ever give you a bad time about that. I can't help my insecurities right now. I am doing my best to overcome them. I want you to know that I deeply appreciate how much you try. I am so proud of the man you are. You have always been a great husband and father, and a great provider. You were always patient with me when I needed it most, during the first years of our lives together. You deserve so much in your life, and I will continue to support you, and love you, forever and ever. Love Kerry.