P.T.S.D.

I thought this would be a subject I would talk about later. I realize this is as good a time as any, as today it is affecting my life in an intense way.
I was married at the age of 16, a few weeks before my 17th birthday. My husband had just turned 19, and we had dated nearly 2 years before we married. We rushed into a situation that I don't believe either of us were prepared for. We definitely beat all the statistics, and are now going on 22 years of marriage. Our anniversary is April 26th 1989. This is all the more extraordinary when our histories are revealed. I will give allot more detail of our history in future posts. Just briefly to sum things up, I was in a foster home and was emotionally damaged. My husband lived quite the opposite life, I would just say he was definitely a mamma's boy.
We have struggled over the years, what was never lacking in our lives is love. My husband John broke through some huge barriers I had up, he was so persistent there was no way I could not love him back.
We have 2 amazing children, Andrew is 20, and our daughter Elizabeth (Libby) is 16.
John has always provided for us, protected us, and made us all feel loved. I can definitely say Libby was a daddy's girl.
When my husband joined the National Guard years after we first married and after he had already served a term in the Army full time, I thought it was great and he could get extra help for school, and make a little extra money. Then it happened that day that changed us all, in September of 2001.
My husbands little brother, who is 12 years younger than he is,  was in an infantry unit in the National Guard. Different from John's unit. When John found out that his little brothers' unit was being deployed to Iraq, he immediately changed units so he could go with him.
I was definitely proud, and very, very, scared at the same time. But I did understand. Knowing my husband, I know he would not do anything different.
I did think of all the possibilities, every horror that can be imagined ran through my mind, I even thought about p.t.s.d. (post traumatic stress disorder), and discussed it with my husband. He is just your typical tough guy, and he truly believed it would not be a problem. I must say knowing him the way I do, I believed it would not be a big issue. I was not ignorant to the facts. I did research and knew that it could affect him in some ways.
I for now am just going to skim over the 18 months he was gone. It was a daily fear, I had news channels on all the time, I kept our computer logged in just so I could hear a Bing if he by some Chancee he was able to use a computer, and I kept a phone on me at all times. I often wonder how I made it through that time, because we had also taken into our home my nephew age 5 and niece age 3. So I was dealing with more than I ever had to on my own in the time we had been married.
It was one of the happiest moments, and one of the most relieved moments I have ever felt when he walked toward me from the airplane. I had him home safe and sound, and our children were able to relax and feel like everything would be o.k. again.
I learned very quickly that what he experienced surpassed even what I thought he would experience. I was shocked that conditions could be the way he described. I saw photos that were shocking and disturbing. I asked allot of questions and John was pretty candid with me, not so much with others.
When he first came home I noticed an excessive amount of energy, I would say he was always jumpy, and driving was a challenge in the beginning. I had to keep reminding myself while in Iraq driving was life or death every bit of the way. Gradually some of that energy started to fade. In it's place something else came.
I did not notice at the time because it started so gradually, and then built into something you could not ignore.
My heart breaks for my daughter. To this day she feels like she lost her old daddy, the one whom she had such a bond with. Now she feels like he is simply her father her provider. My son did not seem as affected, but he was older and understood a little more.
I know that today John is just starting to accept that things are different. He was in serious denial. I know he wanted to believe he was to tough that he could not be affected. He now is able to admit to himself and others, but still has some part of him that does not get how we his family are affected. He has physical injuries to his back and shoulders, and as we now know he suffers from p.t.s.d.. That has intruded into every aspect of our lives. His job is affected, his relationships are affected. I fear where it will take us in the future if he does not find ways to cope. He has started seeing a counselor, he has seen others but the current one seems to connect with John and more importantly he gets it. His counselor Forrest has given us some hope for the future. But I know nothing will ever be the same.
As a couple we have had the odds stacked against us from the beginning, and this is something that to most people is insurmountable. I realized that more is required of me. I believe he deserves it. John cared for and protected my heart in such a way that I would not be the person I am today. It literally took me 10 years of marriage to finally let myself go, to open my heart to him was so hard, because I was a damaged soul, due to my childhood. He was patient and loving and he waited, he spent so long waiting. I believe now he deserves the same from me. That is kind of what prompted me to start blogging. I have so much I need to get out. And when I was younger I would never have been able to be so open. But with the help of my husband I have changed. There are definitely times that I don't know if I can do it. I will just keep trying because he deserves it.
I really want people to know that these men who do the job of protecting and serving our country, don't expect that it will do to them what it has. Men and women are losing their lives, and if they are fortunate enough to come home alive, they start losing their families, their friends, their jobs and so much more.
I hope people will show compassion and think about how we can never begin to understand how our men and women are affected. And we need to be stronger than ever, to let them know we won't give up on them.
I am glad I sat down and shared this today, the reason is because today is particularly rough, as some days are more rough than others. I feel better and will hang in there.
Thanks to all who serve our country, and to those who serve those who serve our country.